"Find Someone - Embrace the flaws" 
Take your Personal Inventory. 
Find out how you Really see Yourself.

You want to find someone. We want you to find someone. Which is why we think inventories are a serious business (particularly your very own personal inventory). What better opportunity to look at yourself and stop any of that heinous martyr-type thinking in its tracks? We have witnessed people honestly and seriously inventory their lives – their efforts, no matter how joyous or heart-wrenching, finally enabled them to break their old dating and relationship patterns so that they could find someone who is right for their life. They found a vaccine for the plague that attacked relationship after relationship.

Anyone worth their salt, anyone who is really ready to give themselves what they’re longing for (that would be love, a partner, a successful dating life, a happy relationship, you get the gist), will always willingly take this important step of self-reflection.

Successful people aren’t afraid to look in the mirror whether they have makeup on or not. Do you have it in you?

This inventory is presented in several parts; we suggest you tackle just one part at a time.  Don’t try to force it all at once – it might feel really great up front to get those feelings churning and the memories flowing, but faster than you can say “love” you’ll come to a screeching halt. (Plus, we understand that you might be a little anxious to find someone – don’t rush it, all in good time.)

This inventory isn’t all going to be pretty. Trying to make yourself feel too much at once means you run the risk of not making real progress. You’ll get sucked up in your own vortex of unresolved feelings and hurt and even happiness. That being said, we don’t want to impede your enthusiasm either – that’s a crucial component. We’ve seen many people who just throw some half-hearted self-study time at this endeavor and get absolutely nowhere. We want more for you, so take it slow but keep the goal in mind.

What is your goal, you ask? Simple. Take responsibility for what you contribute to a relationship – the good, the bad, and the ugly. Find someone by finding yourself first.

You are the only thing under your control. Haven’t you learned by now that you can’t change others? If you haven’t, listen up! The only person you can fix/change/alter/improve is yourself! Now let’s get down to business.

This is a good time to tell you that here at Dating Inspiration Online (DIO) we believe strongly in “intentions.” This is a very different concept than “trying.” Think about it: What’s the difference between trying to do something and intending to do something? You don’t try to pick up a book, you just pick it up. You don’t try to get dressed, you simply get dressed. You can feel the difference, right?

This try vs. intend distinction is critical to your dating success. Ask yourself at this very moment: “Do I want to try to find someone, or do I intend to meet the right someone?” Whatever you do, don’t take this difference lightly. The simplest things are always the most profound.

Your personal inventory is about to begin. Never forget this: if you are unable to stay positive about dating, if you have lost your conviction, if you don’t believe that you’ll ever be able to find someone, if your confidence is in the gutter, you’re in the right place for turning things around. Keep on keeping on – your life is about to change.

Inventory: Part One

Start with a journal or notebook – any material you can write on that feels good to you. The most important thing is that you select more than just scrap paper to scribble on. Scrap paper does not indicate that you have serious intentions about your dating life. Choose a medium consciously so you can clearly and easily explore your Relationship Mindset. This is where your self-discovery begins, so make room for it – literally and figuratively.

Step One: The stuff you love

• Write down all the things you can think of that you have loved and liked about all your past relationships. Write until you can’t write anymore. Do your best not to think of an actual person, but instead list your relationship experiences, exchanges, qualities, and the way you felt about these things you loved. The wooing, cuddling, butterflies, etc. List the most outstanding moments (small and large), the anticipation or excitement, maybe even the comfortable daily routine of being in a relationship.
• Push yourself to dig deep and feel all those things that you found to be wonderful in your relationships – from favorite songs to inside jokes, what objects held significance (teddy bears to lingerie) what moments were unforgettable? Explore your mind and heart and don’t be afraid to remember what was so good!
• After spending a few hours or even days with this project, conjure in your mind how much you could appreciate having those same elements in your life now. Find the gratitude for each and every quality. Find the feeling of having had it good once, trust that you can recreate those feelings of joy, and appreciate that you have the ability to recreate what you want.

Take your time to do this inventory. Roll around in the feelings, get swept away, and spend the next few days adding to the list. Listing all the things you have experienced and would like to carry forward and experience again.  Make a point not to reread your entire list just yet. Simply add to it as you remember new things. We will get to the reviewing of your list later.

Attitude check: Are you already feeling pessimistic about this endeavor? If so, hold up your hand-mirror and ask yourself, “Do my negative feelings have anything to do with why I am not where I want to be, why I haven’t been able to find someone?” We’ll let you answer that one.

Step Two: Remind yourself

• After you have spent a good deal of time thinking about and jotting down the good things that you had in your past relationships, it’s time to create reminders for yourself. We will call these your go-to memories. Throughly review the list you created in step one. Note or star the most jarring moments or thoughts that, when you read them or remember them, jolt you back to reality, and bluntly remind you that if you had it once, you can have it again. If you have not experienced yet, you can create it.
• Go as far as creating affirmations from your list to help yourself – we certainly endorse anything like that. Meaning things like, “I feel that explosion of butterflies in my stomach when I kiss someone,” or “I am creating wonderful memories with someone new who loves me and cherishes me,” or “I have met someone who loves me just the way I am.” Affirmations offer you the opportunity to push play on positive thoughts in your mind – this is the secret to drowning out the negative thoughts that are getting you nowhere. And affirm the things you want most in the present tense. As if they have already happened.
• Consider creating index cards that contain your affirmations or memories. We suggest a minimum of five, but if you really want to feel good about yourself and your future, we suggest you go for ten of fifteen. Pack them in an envelope and slide them in your wallet or pocket so they’ll always be with you. Pull them out when you need a pick-me-up or a boost of self-esteem. (You know, like when you run into your ex at the supermarket, or you see a disgustingly cute couple making out in the park – that’s when you need your go-to memories/affirmations, stat!)

Inventory: Part Two

It is important that this portion of the inventory not be done on the same day as Part One of your inventory or it will negate the positive seeds you have started to plant. Part Two is where we isolate the things we will not repeat in the future, relationship experiences and qualities that no longer serve us and are not welcome in our world.

In fact, we suggest taking a breather with an article or two.

Step One: Isolate to negate

• Today you will write down all of your dating and relationship complaints. Again, don’t write about the people (meaning the exes or the people they cheated on you with or their friends or their family – no people!), just the experiences. List the feelings and experiences that you “intend” to banish from here-on-out. Sift through each relationship and list all the negative things that came along with them: bad feelings, sad moments, hurtful experiences, biting words. Think of every quality you’ve ever encountered in a partner that has made you feel awful, qualities that you never want to witness in a partner again. Were you on the receiving end of apathy, dishonesty, selfishness? Did you ever feel unloved or unappreciated?
• As an aside (and we don’t think we really need to help you with this one), we do wonder which list is longer – this list or the one from Part One? Think on that.
• After you have completed your list of complaints, the next step is a plain old give-it-to-you-straight move. Consider putting your list aside – do not dwell on it (we meant it!) – and give yourself a break for a few days before moving on in the inventory.

Step Two: Making comparisons

• This is by far the most critical step in the inventory. Look at both of the lists you’ve created – consider the good things and the bad things, the joyous moments and the complaints. 
• Now, on the left side of a new page, create a bulleted list of all the things you’ve remembered on your good and bad lists. Once you’ve done that, go back to the top and, next to each item, write down what you have contributed to that part of your past relationship. What garbage is on your side of the street? (Are you prone to jealousy?) What flowers are on your side of the street? (Do you love making your partner laugh?) List both your negative and positive contributions. All of it, from the resentment to the anger, the endearments to the sweetness. Now we’re wondering which contribution list is longer…

This is where a good woman or man will take their lumps. This is where you stop thinking like a martyr. This is where you start to tell yourself the truth! Martyr is a harsh word, isn’t it? Does it make you squirm? Well, truth is, we all have at least a small tendency to feel this way, but it will do absolutely nothing for you in the dating department.

The next person you’re about to meet isn’t looking for a martyr – and, truly, do you really want to present yourself to them as such? Playing the martyr will kill a great deal of opportunities for you to find someone great. The goal of this inventory is to weed out the negative, self-fulfilling prophecies. If you are feeling resistant to bucking up and starting over, go get your mirror.

You have the opportunity, right now, to be truly liberated. The lists you have created and all the truths they hold can tell you very quickly what you bring to the table and at what point you toss the table over in a relationship.

If you are honest with your contribution list, you can see where the monster comes out – when it’s someone else’s blame to take, and when it’s all on you. No matter what, it ain’t pretty! But that’s OK – you can decide at this moment to believe in yourself, trust people, and expect good things and relationships to come your way. You are poised at this very juncture to kill off the mutant cells in your DNA that call for you to hang on to resentment, anger, revenge, guilt, sorrow, or blame. You are now being asked to "Embrace the Flaws.” Yours and theirs. Every one of them. Trust us – you are not alone. We all have flaws AND they do not make us unlovable OR unworthy of being deeply loved. Have you ever known a truly perfect person? We sure haven't.

The weapon of choice for changing your legacy as a martyr is this: take responsibility.

You must own up to your own actions, banish the finger-pointing, and stop blaming others for your own mistakes. This is the road to answering the question, “Why am I still single?” When you take responsibility, you are taking hold of a very powerful moment! It’s still just a baby-step, mind you, but it is significant in your search to become the great catch you are. A freshly revised attitude, in turn, will enable you to find someone who fits just right in your world.

Inventory: Part Three

It’s time to get really down and dirty. Even after all the hard work you have done on your inventory thus far, we expect that there is still a giant bushel of insecurity that is plaguing your ability to trust in love. And insecurity, frankly, can be your doom. We’re here to help you find someone, but not just “someone,” the right someone.

• List every single, cotton-pickin’ thing that you are insecure about. From your hair to your wrinkles, your bottom to your boobies, your divorce(s) to your kids, your STDs to your bitten nails, whatever. Put it all down, every last bit of it. Let the demons come. Bring it. You can’t get past the insecurity if you don’t own up to it!
• Review your list - if you have less than 10 things on it, go ask a friend or ex what your insecurities are. We’re pretty sure they won’t hold back once you give them a little ammo about their own hang-ups… (and you don’t have to show them what you’ve already compiled about yourself – that’s none of their business, and we promise you can burn this list at the end of the inventory if you feel the need for catharsis).
• For each item on your insecurity list, create a yes/no column for the question, “If someone I loved had this thing, would I love him or her anyway?” Answer honestly for each item. Create a third column and answer yes or no to the question, “Is this something I would dump someone over?”

Most of the things on your list are just terrible boogie-man fears that you project onto others because you are still struggling to love yourself. Truly, much of what you’re sweating over is in your own imagination. It’s the kind of stuff that other people will easily overlook.

BUT – and this is a big but – no matter what you’re insecure about, you can’t ask the people in your life to pick up the slack and make you feel loved where you do not already love yourself. These hang-ups are your responsibility alone, and if you can’t love your own behind, no one else can love it enough for you to make any difference.

Exorcise the insecurities that are killing your chances at being in a relationship! We’re here to be that support line for you. Make it your business to learn all that you can about yourself and what you bring to a relationship. Keep reading, keep writing, AND keep coming back! Give yourself a HUGE pat on the back for being willing to look at yourself this closely to begin with. (But if you only half-assed this assignment, shame on you. You’re only cheating yourself.)

Find the courage to own up to who you are, let it go, and then get ready for the self-awareness to begin.