"First Date Sex - The Aftermath"

You had first date sex and now you’re either 1) regretting it like the dickens, or 2) preening your feathers for the next go-round.

There’s usually no in-between on this matter.

How many times have you ripped off your clothes on the first date and then felt I-want-to-stick-my-head-in-the-dirt awful about it? How many times have you broken out the raunch and sex on the first date and proudly made the walk of shame, not one slouch in your shoulders?

We’re willing to bet that the times you did it and loved yourself afterward, you got the second date. Were you giving off a pheromone? No doubt. If you can call confidence a pheromone. And we do.

If you let it all hang out on the first date and regretted your choice the moment the groans and moans died down, and then you didn’t get a second date, it’s not because you suck at sex (well, we can’t actually speak to that, but we’re trying to make a point here). You were giving off your own pheromone: insecurity. And that is a stinky, I-don’t-want-to-be-around-your-soul-sucking kind of pheromone. It’s got nothing to do with first date sex or fifth date sex.

Listen to Your Loins or Your Head?
The heat of the moment can have great sway over any logical part of you that is screaming, “I should know better than this!” But you can curb impulsive first date sex by laying down some boundaries for yourself ahead of time. Frisky is a perfectly acceptable state of being, but if it continuously gets you in trouble and you don’t have the stomach for the consequences, it’s time to rethink your game plan.

So, boundaries. How do you manage them? It’s squirm-inducing enough to talk about your sexual margins with someone you’re dating, but if you can’t even face yourself in order to give these issues serious thought, then you shouldn’t be getting it on at all with anyone. It’s the truth – if you’re feeling that nervous about looking at yourself or admitting your own sexual hang-ups or examining why you do what you do sexually, then you’ve got no business having first date sex. It’s a measure of insecurity – and you’ve gotta fix it fast so you can avoid the first date sex pool of big, fat, messy emotions.

The good news is – there is a solution. And it’s in your own head. We’re willing to wager that some of your sexual beliefs and habits were developed because of how others have perceived you. Maybe you were the class flirt in high school – you were “expected” to have a certain measure of sexual prowess and, shall we say, looseness. But if that kind of behavior didn’t come naturally to you, you’ve probably been feeling pretty sick about any first date sex escapades for most of your life.

If you think you need to be perceived a particular way and are trying to live up to some sort of sexual goddess status, you have to remember what we’ve said before – you have no obligation to be a role model for other women. Be a role model for yourself.

Role Model? What Does That Mean?
In order to leap into first date sex and get all the possible enjoyment out of it that you can, you have to come from a place that says you’re going to be fine-fine-fine afterward. And if that is a genuine truth that you’re telling yourself, then you will be fine – second date or no date. If you come from a place where your head is whispering that you’re going to be a mess, that you made a mistake, that he won’t want to see you again… then he won’t, and you will be a hot mess, and you feel like you’ve erred hugely.

You may wonder where the fun in sex is if you have to think about it so much. Maybe it’s that spontaneity that you thrive on. Good for you. Honestly, we could care less if you have first date sex or hold out til marriage. The point we are making here is that you have to be OK with your decisions. We’re not saying that you must be able to talk the talk and walk the walk (because that in and of itself is a big veil on real feelings); you have to believe deep down that you are cool with the choices you are making sexually. If your insecurity is causing you to cover up any doubts or worries you may have about first date sex, you will be sure to pay the price when you do get horizontal with someone before your head is ready.

Listen, sex should be a matter that couples discuss with each other so they’re comfortable with what’s happening and both people know what to expect afterward. But we’ve been around the block enough times to know that doesn’t often happen, even with the most conscientious people. Sex is awkward and talking about it can be uncomfortable. So much easier to let your passions get the best of you and hold on tight.

So in lieu of those all-important getting-busy conversations, you’ve gotta make peace with yourself so that whatever goes down in the deep dark of night will not make mincemeat of your heart and psyche. Take care of number one – and that means you. This is an excellent time to sign up for Deliciously Flawed Footnotes - bite-sized email reminders of how fabulous you are. Make the choices because you want to, because you’re comfortable with them, and not because you’re worried about what may or may not occur if you don’t give it up – honestly, this is one area where you’ll regret doing more so than you’ll regret waiting.