"Men behaving badly - are guys ruining online dating?"

So, men behaving badly online – is it a symptom or a disease? As if it isn’t difficult enough to communicate with the opposite sex in person or over the phone, an even bigger communication gap was born with the dawn of online dating. And, unfortunately, the nifty ability to hide behind a computer screen and keyboard has also brought with it a slew of bad behavior… much of which is being attributed to the boys (but there are some guilty ladies out there as well). A little over half of the singles we’ve heard from say that online daters are far less courteous than people they meet the traditional way (you know, old-school-style, like in a bar or at a party).

License to Misbehave
Crude, obnoxious, and insulting seems to be the theme for bad boys online these days. Female online daters have shared with us that men are saying things to them online that they would never say to a woman they just met in person. We’re talking way worse than, “Great legs. What time do they open?” Today’s habits of men behaving badly are beyond vulgar, beyond suggestive, using the kind of language that is the fastest way to seeing a woman’s already eaten lunch rather than her bedroom.

What’s up with men behaving badly? The filthy Bart Simpson grade school behavior, the wanna-be Jude Law juggling, the Beevis and Butthead catchphrases, the wish-he-were-as-cool-as-Jack-Nicholson antics?

It’s simply this: anonymity. It’s way too easy for some online daters to believe that the computer screen gives them the green light to act as badly as they please. There’s no accountability. No one’s going to throw a drink in your face through the computer.

What’s funny is that these same fellas who are fashioning a new bad-boy persona for themselves online are probably the ones who would be on their best behavior when meeting someone new in the flesh. Online dating has created far too many Dr. Jekylls and Mr. Hydes by eliminating the societal obligation to be polite. You can be the playboy, Rico Suave, carefree James Dean you always wanted to be in real life! After all, if you delete her message, don’t respond, or say something inappropriate, who cares? There’s no one to answer to, right? Darn it, there should be.

Men behaving badly online are turning many people off from online dating, a truly legit and typical way to meet people in today’s wired culture. So how do you get past the nonsense? We’ll try to explain…

Online Dating is Not Dating
It’s true. Online dating is not dating. There’s a big difference between traditional dating and dating online. Online dating is merely a method to meeting someone – you’re not dating anyone until you are actually standing in front of each other. This is the one truth that you must accept in order to make sense of the inappropriate behavior that’s flying around you. It’s not an excuse for men behaving badly by any means, but it can help you suffer fools.

What Did I Say?
Sometimes, when communicating online, it’s not what you did say but what you didn’t say. As in, you didn’t write enough. Writing one-line emails does not get you points. And, news flash, the “solution” to writing women the longer emails they desire is NOT to cut and paste a stock letter to every lady you find. Women notice what’s genuine and what’s being recycled. You don’t get jobs with a fill-in-the-blank cover letter… what makes you think that’s gonna get you the girl?

So how do you write more? Well, believe it or not, reading a woman’s entire profile will give you stuff to talk about! Who knew? Seriously, we know some of you don’t say more in an email because you don’t want to risk losing precious online hunting time by crafting a personal, well-thought-out message. But the more you know, the better shot you have. Throwing out a chewed-up pick-up line pegs you as a lazy dater that no woman will take seriously. And it puts you in the category of men behaving badly.

Not taking the time to get to know her is a waste of everyone’s time.

I’m Supposed to Do What?
One female online dater told us that men don’t even know they’re supposed to be the pursuer anymore, that so many of them are happy to sit back, make the woman do all the work, and just embrace the title of men behaving badly. What’s making them think this way?

Well, every online dating site has their own unique tool that lets you tell someone you’re interested without actually writing to them – winks, flirts, icebreakers, and so on. But these tools are being misused. Rather than taking the time to engage a woman with an email introduction, many men send flirts instead. Why is that bad? Think of it this way – if a guy walked up to a woman at a party, winked at her, then walked away, would that do the trick? Would she chase after him? Um, yeah, no chance.

Women want to be pursued. Regardless of how successful, professional, or independent a woman is, she’s still a lady – she wants to know that you think she’s attractive! And she herself is not attracted to men behaving badly. What’s she supposed to do with a flirt or a wink? Women are confused by this approach and it’s an awkward situation for them – does she write back? Wink back and cross her fingers? Send up smoke signals?

But guys are complaining too. One male online dater told us that women can too easily blow off a guy and never reply to him. (Well, our follow-up question to that would be, “Did you write her a nice email or did you say, “Hey hottie, I like your picture”)?

At any rate, back to the winks. A guy needs to understand that winking at a woman actually makes him seem like less of a man – it’s downright crucial for a man to show that he knows how to communicate with and pursue a woman. And pursuit, after all, is the natural order of things.

Giving Love a Bad Name
For the guys who might be feeling a wee bit bashed, listen to this. One male online dater feels like his own gender is giving him a bad name: “Guys can't just sit there messaging every woman they see. In the end, people need to realize this is a means to meet someone, but it's not only a means to find someone insanely amazing in looks and personality.”

So, back to our original question. Men behaving badly online – is it a symptom or a disease? The bad news is, it’s both. The good news? There are solutions.