"Neediness Isn't What You Need"

Unfortunately, neediness often becomes an ingredient where love is concerned. We all require things – food, water, a job, designer shoes… But is “love” a need? We say indeed it is. In fact, it’s practically the catalyst for some folks.

The needy one is a freak-flag-flying risk-taker who will do whatever it takes to find love and hold onto it for dear life – and that scares the bejeezus out of us! Our fear for you is that you will throw everything against the wall to see what sticks, and often end up with the dregs because, let’s face it, you try enough things and you’re bound to land someone at some point. Doesn’t mean it’s the right someone though.

Refuse to believe that you’re needy? Let’s investigate a little further to see if you’ve committed any of the following love crimes or if your dating and relationship boo-boos belong in another category:

• You have joined every online dating site, whatever the cost, no matter how shady.
• You are willing to try any quick-fix to find love.
• You are insatiable and need constant reassurance from your date that they are interested in you, still like you, want you.

Need we go on?

You know love is worth it. You know you deserve love. You want love and you’re ready to try anything and everything to get it. We applaud you for all of this. You’re honestly one step ahead of the folks who don’t even think there’s someone out there for them. What you need to do though is just hone your wants and needs a little bit. Be discerning – you’re picky about plenty of other things, aren’t you? Maybe you’ll only wear a certain kind of underwear or use a particular brand of ketchup. Well, you can be a little picky in love too.

Instead of casting the widest net you can find, let’s work on streamlining your needs a little bit. Start with this exercise:

Begin by listing all the characteristics that you want in a partner. Be as specific or as broad as you like – a little bit of both is what we recommend. (e.g. “He’ll bring me flowers,” OR “He’ll bring me gerbera daisies.” “She’ll like sports,” OR “She’ll love the Dallas Cowboys.”)

Once you’ve decided who you want, then decide where you can find them. Are you a bookworm? Hang out more at your local Borders or library. Exercise nut? Join the local gym or enter some marathons or a hiking club. Make a list of all the possible places you can meet someone – and it’s OK to include your favorite bar or an online dating site.

A word about online dating sites – if you’re truly in the needy category, you may have joined a lot of them, so get picky and select the top two or three you can really dedicate your time and energy to. Likewise, when you’re on these sites, remember that you can’t be all things to all people. Making yourself as black and white as possible on dating sites to give yourself the biggest range of prospects to choose from will just tire you out. Especially with online dating, you want to provide details about yourself – the best of the best, not the generic of the generic. Talk about what you love and why you love it so you can find the match who really does have things in common with you, not someone who might mesh with you.

Straight up: the universe isn’t friendly to the begging kind. Our goal is to help you figure out exactly what it is that you want… besides love, within love, out of love. One more note of caution – neediness can make you impatient, so realize too that love takes time and that it must go at its own pace to thrive. Once you’re in a relationship – because we know that you will find the right one – be careful not to let clinginess or pushiness take the place of neediness. Learn to trust that you can have what you want. Barnacles aren’t much fun, neither are people who force the timeline of a relationship. But if it happens to you, we can help - no worries.