"A Relationship Martyr 'Whines' more Than They
Dine - Are You One of Them?"

It’s so easy to be a relationship martyr. You simply blame anyone and everyone but yourself for all the pitfalls and problems that your love life has been “forced” to endure. Maybe “it’s their fault” is your mantra. Maybe you envision the downward spiral of a relationship and begin grieving its demise before any real partnership ever truly gets started.

 

Quit it. Seriously. Stop playing the victim. No one wants to be with someone who can’t let go. Relationship martyrs allow the past to cloud every relationship they embark upon. And that leaves people with the impression that you’ll overreact and hold grudges about anything unpleasant the two of you may experience together.

 

It’ll be their fault if the garbage disposal breaks, the skirt makes your butt look too big, your NFL team loses in the playoffs, your favorite high heel broke, you missed the train, or you have PMS. Or, on a grander scale, it’ll be “all their fault” if they stop trying in the relationship, if they become attracted to someone else, or if they fall out of love with you.

 

Yeah, we know you’ve run into players and cheats out there in the big bad world of love and heartbreak. But who hasn’t? It doesn’t mean the world’s out to get you. These personality types do exist and it sucks when you’re the one on the receiving end of their antics. But Cupid’s evil twin is going to continue to stomp all over you unless you buck up and start creating an awareness of what – and who – you bring into your life.

 

Take responsibility.

 

No, it isn’t your fault that someone cheated on you in the past and shattered your trust in others. But at any point have you honestly reviewed the possibility that you might have contributed to their straying? Some people refuse to take their lumps – the relationship martyr in particular – and you might be one of them. If you’ve been cheated on you’re probably pretty mad at us this very second for even suggesting that you had a hand in someone else’s bad behavior. That’s cool. We can take it – if it gets you to consider whether you might have been neglecting them, snapping at them, not supporting them, taking them for granted, blaming them for your past, or if you might have been so jaded that you pushed them away.

 

Ideally, you’ll look at yourself and determine that you did the very best you could in the relationship and there was nothing that could have changed the person from hurting you the way they did. OK. Good. But that doesn’t give you an excuse to hold on to that pain, play the relationship martyr, or project it onto someone else.

 

So consider the following questions to find out if you’re portraying the victim or if you fit better in another category: 

• Do you think every bad relationship you’ve had is the other person’s fault?
• Do you think the whole world is out to get you?
• Do you tell yourself you’ve given your all in every relationship while actually holding back?
• Do you bring up the past when you’re having a fight?
• Are you always waiting for the other shoe to drop?
• Do people always have to earn your trust?

The most important thing you can do to prevent any martyr behavior from sneaking its way into your relationships is to create self-awareness. For instance, when you get irked by the person you’re dating, is it because they’ve really done something annoying or is it just because they unknowingly pushed one of your buttons from the last relationship? When you react during an argument – whether you pout or stew or scream – are you just doing so because that’s how you’ve been conditioned to respond? Are you drawn toward negative people and unhealthy situations to prove to yourself nothing ever works out?

 

There are times when the big stuff counts, and there are times when it’s just a load of junk that is holding you back. So it’s time to become more aware and responsible of your love life. Start with this technique:

 

Look at every situation you’re in from the perspective of an outsider. See yourself as another person might see you. Are you attracted to yourself if you’re really looking at yourself honestly? How would you alter your behavior to make someone more responsive, understanding, or willing to hear you out?

 

Don’t play the “guys don’t get it” or “women overreact” cards – ever. No one man represents the entire male population. Same for women. Everyone is different – and you don’t have to date the same kind of person over and over again. Choose to be a winner, not a so-called relationship martyr. Choose to thrive instead of flail. Embrace your own flaws – because, truly, they are quite beautiful. Believe it so someone else can too.

 

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